Jon and Kate Plus 8, Plus 2 Stepparents, 4 Stepchildren, and one Yellow Labrador

So to break in my Blog, I'm going to give my sentiments on this Jon and Kate spanking nonsense and roll call who all is to blame:

So on all the major news outlet home pages, we hear about the "spanking" controversy that Kate has recently found herself in. Apparently, it's true folks. I was out of sorts; I couldn't be happy with my own life knowing there is a 6-year-old child out there....s-s-sp-spanked! They have the pictures to prove it. Don't wory, I'm taking action. I've called Family Services, Dr. Benjamin Spock, and all concerned parents (of other children).

I have an idea...instead of focusing on inane bullshit, why don't the news outlets focus on how traumatic parading 8 young children around on a television set during a nasty, heated marriage and eminent divorce? I'm sure that kid will grow up, become addicted to drugs and the media, eventually hit rock bottom on a street corner in Atlantic City selling herself for a hit of PCP, and come clean in an interview "My home life was pretty good overall, but one time I was 6 and blowing a whistle and my mother physically...sniff...I'm sorry this is just a really hard thing for me to talk about."

Or...and hear me out...how about we not give a shit? Because we are whores for celebrities. We are the ones that shell out our money for these magazines, watch these VH1 shows, and even buy their shitty books about their insightfully insipid life. We're the reason this is happening, and why anyone cares about Octomom and Kate and all of these other talentless celebrities. Like who the hell are Heidi and Spencer? After seeing them on reputable news sites I asked my wife and she said "Well, they're famous for being famous." They're famous because we gave a shit. They're creations of our own imagination, and if we can just stop giving a shit, they'll go away.

Who's to blame for this Jon and Kate debauchle?

ROLL CALL:

• Jon and Kate: TLC said "We just got an offer from Satan. In exchange for your family's privacy and souls, we could make your world turn green." And she pricked her finger and signed, and had the sweet life while magazines and tabloids loved her. And now the taxman is around, and you have to pay up...with every secret you've ever held dear gets dragged through the hands of a blogging mob.

• "Those" Parents: You know who you are. The parents so scared of harming their child they'll forgo the occasional needed asswhipping in lieu of 40mgs of Adderall, which will result of years of depression and addiction in their 20's, but usually they're someone else's problem by then. If someone decides to spank THEIR child, shut the hell up. If they want to yell at their child, shut the hell up. This country has lost all sense of privacy and the concept of Mind Your Own Business.

• TLC: Ah, the LEARNING channel. Sounds so educational. Such good intentions with showing how a married couple can raise 8 children on their own. But when the show took a turn for the trainwreck, they hopped in the engineer seat and barreled full speed to the unfinished bridge ahead. It's all about money, baby...not learning.

• Entertainment Journalists: What an oxymoron. These journals prey on the inane, and our inner depravity that desires those who have more than us to suffer every layer of hell before they experience an untimely and entertaining demise...finally on the roll call...

• Us: We consumer whores just love our celebrities. We want to know what they're wearing, what they are naming their kids, and who they're screwing. But guess what, as much as we love them, we don't want celebrities to succeed. We love the River Phoenix, Amy Winehouse, and Martha Stewart twists and endings. We like to build you up as high as possible so that when you hit rock bottom we can vicariously feel the climactic ending as though it were the final scene in an epic movie you've been watching for years.

Listening to: Kings of Leon "Only by the Night"